By World Wide Ed
On my never-ending quest to entertain y'all, I'm introducing another little game up in hurr. It's called "This Is How We Do"... and the idea is pretty much how it sounds. I choose a topic and we all share our unique stories of how we "do" (it).
Since bat'chrooms seemed to be a popular topic a few weeks ago, let's go with that theme for today. I know... quality journalism right?
Honestly, I think I'm a closet germaphobe. A Monk-in-the-making, if you will. I try - at all costs - to avoid touching door handles or rails or other common places people put their grubby paws on. Bathrooms practically give me a complex because not only do these germ infested peeps touch places I may also have to touch, but they do so with #1 or #2 infested paws. Ack!
So I seriously have a ritual I go through in order to make it halfway bearable up in thurr. I have it down to a science... fo real!
So without further ado... This Is How I Do: Bathrooms...
* Push door open with fist, elbow or foot - the outside of the door is not too bad as the people going in would be relatively clean (you would think).
* If it's #1, aim for the puddle less traveled - the less splash the better, so I avoid the puddles at the bottom of the receptacle. I even opt to aim down the sides of the receptacle. The thinking is that not too many people do that (they usually aim straight forward) so it could possibly still be clean if a splash were to freakishly return to sender.
* If #2, push stall door open with fist, elbow or foot and close/lock with TP - the stall's lock is probably the grossest thing in the whole joint. Since there is no sink between toiletsville and the lock, you can be sure that that thang is growing some things you don't wanna write home to mama about.
* Do a spot check - before I take my throne, I make sure that there are ample toilet seat covers and backup TP to take care of bidness. I also check to see what goodies the previous owner left for me. If there is indeed a present left behind, I move to the next stall. Repeat until empty/clean toilet found. In case of emergency, flush 4-5 times before using.
* Wipe seat - using a big wad of TP, I wipe down the seat and flush that puppy down the tubes.
* Wipe seat again - with a bigger TP wad, I wipe the seat down again (to clean the splashes) and place it in the center of the water. This wad will help "cushion" the fall to avoid splash-ups to your crown jewels. LOL! I can't believe we're talking about this! Sorry!
* Use toilet seat cover - these are golden. In case of emergency, laying down rolls of TP on the seat works just as well. Be careful not to set off the auto flush while working your magic or you have to start all ovah again. *groan*
* Kick seat cover in with foot and flush with extra TP or foot - when I finish dropping off the kids, I kick the toilet seat cover in the bowl with my foot and cross my fingers that the auto-flush works. If it doesn't, an extra wad of TP or my foot work equally well to handle the manual flush action.
* Open lock and door with TP - if you can't already tell, TP, for me, is money. I use it for everything.
* Pump paper tower dispenser and tuck under arm - sometimes you'll get those old school paper towel dispensers that you need to manually pump. TP to the rescue! Otherwise, do this first (get your paper towel) and then wash your hands. You don't want to be touching that handle with clean hands.
* Wash hands like mad with soap and wipe with paper towel - this goes without saying.
* Use wet/used paper towel (or dispense new one) to open bathroom door to get the hell outta dea, using feet as much as possible - I actually get annoyed now when public restrooms don't have a trash can right next to the exit/door. Don't they know!?!?
So that's my ritual. A little neurotic or not anal enough? *giggle* Whatchu tink?
So how about it? Bathrooms... How do you do?