If I Only Had a Beard

December 23rd, 2008
By

It's been a while since I've written a "real" random blog, so let's give it a try eh?

In these final few days leading up to Christmas, I've had my fair share of sightings of the big guy in red. Seeing that jolly fella, and his flowy white work of art always made me wonder why I can't, for the life of me, grow more than "scraps" on my chinny chin chin.

Errone always tells me that I should be thankful that I don't have to shave errday, but I dismiss that with a pout. You see, I've been blessed with baby's butt cheek syndrome... and I hate it.

Whenever I see you peeps with beards, goatees or even sideburns, I get j. Even if I let myself go for two weeks (which I've done on trips mind you), all I come up with is some sorry excuse for stubbles - above and below my lips - that would make Tom Selleck wet himself from laughing so hard.

Look Out Abe Lincoln! Hurr comes Ed!
Look Out Abe Lincoln! Hurr comes Ed!

The people who tell me I should be thankful are probably right, but I just want the option, nawmean? I want to be able to wake up one day and say, "Hmm... this week, let's go for a Rollie Fingers stache, or the Kimbo Slice beard, or Dylan McKay 90210-esque sideburns!" The only options I have now are clean-shaven or a little dirt on my lips.

Sad yeah?

Talk to me:
* Should I be thankful?
* My hairless bruthas, does this curse last forever? (Will I one day be able to shave a monster beard?)
* My hairy bruthas, ain't it great?
* Do beards keep you warm in cold weather or sweat in hot weather?
* Ladies, are your husbands/boyfriends/potentials hairy? Do you wish they weren't? Is it a turn on or turn off?
* Ladies, are you going to slap me cause I, at least, don't have to worry about my other body parts? :P

Happy Tuesday y'all!

16 Responses to “If I Only Had a Beard”

  1. Ynaku:

    Ranting so soon? I just like you, no can grow beard. I tried going without shaving and end up with a fu manchu. I might end up looking like a goat if I let it grow longer. Das not good. So I shave but keep a mustache. No sideburns cause I don't have much facial hair anyway.

    Like some say, be happy you don;t have to shave everyday. I don't. Only when I go someplace special. And still, only get small kine to take off.


  2. bB:

    i like you. no can grow a nice beard.

    sometimes, i get lazy and let it grow out. but get itchy.

    it doesn't really bother too much that i no can grow a nice beard.

    as long as i have hair on top of my head, i'm happy.


  3. M:

    Ed, you are not alone. I'm pake so I'm pretty much hairless except on top of my head and below. No hair under arm pits, no hair on arms, no hair on legs, almost no facial hair, eyebrows are pretty thin, even down below is pretty thin. ;)


  4. dsosa:

    Like everything else, pluses and minuses. When I do have the goatee, the bruddahs at work always like it because we have these random facial hair competitions for fun - I think. My nieces and nephews always remind me, "uncle, you need to shave!" To me, it means I have less to shave.

    . . . And dude, razors cost a fortune.


  5. kako mochi:

    M . . . TMI!!

    anyway - everyone always wants what they can't have . . . women w/straight hair want curly hair and women w/curly hair want straight . . . so i guess i can understand where you're coming from ;)

    i'm 1/2 okinawan . . . and as soon as people find that out - they look at my arms and say "you're not hairy!!" WTF?! is that all we're known for . . . besides andagi and okidogs?! LOL . . .


  6. frankie:

    Facial hair is like hemorrhoids...the more you have the older you look!

    Just be thankful you don't have a Magnum PI chest afro! Funk nasty!


  7. Scott:

    So funny Ed. I can totally relate. I have blonde baby butt cheeks syndrome as well. Sometimes I get on this "I want to be a mountain man" kick and try to grow a beard. I'm usually really clean shaven and my female co-workers, who are very sweet, like to drop hints that it ain't working so well. But, there's something about having a "beard" that makes my testosterine (sp) level rise a bit. I also tend to not bathe as much during my mountain man phase and my wife doesn't like that very much. Why can't she understand my dilema?


  8. Starburst:

    I don't like men with facial hair. It's scratchy and just looks messy. If my bf had a hairy chest, I'd wax it all off...after turning him in to a man-o-lantern.


  9. MoOgooGuypAn:

    Don't fret. At least you don't have to manscape as much as the likes of Kimbo Slice or Teen Wolf. :lol:


  10. World Wide Ed:

    * Ynaku:
    Like some say, be happy you don;t have to shave everyday. I don’t. Only when I go someplace special. And still, only get small kine to take off.

    Yeah, I see some of my friends having to plaster on that shaving cream, while I just put two little dabs on my face. Haha! I guess we stay luck ah Ynaku?

    * bB:
    it doesn’t really bother too much that i no can grow a nice beard.

    as long as i have hair on top of my head, i’m happy.

    Ho, ain't that no joke bB! I hope the top of my head stays healthy and full like forever! Hehe!

    * M:
    Ed, you are not alone. I’m pake so I’m pretty much hairless except on top of my head and below. No hair under arm pits, no hair on arms, no hair on legs, almost no facial hair, eyebrows are pretty thin, even down below is pretty thin.

    "down below"! LOL!

    * dsosa:
    To me, it means I have less to shave.

    Yeah, if you get lazy and let it grow out, at least it looks like something good/full. Mines is all messy and makes it look like I forgot to shave! :\

    * kako mochi:
    anyway - everyone always wants what they can’t have . . . women w/straight hair want curly hair and women w/curly hair want straight . . . so i guess i can understand where you’re coming from

    (Hairy) grass is always greener I guess eh moch? :P

    * frankie:
    Just be thankful you don’t have a Magnum PI chest afro! Funk nasty!

    K, that's something I can live without fo sho!

    * Scott:
    But, there’s something about having a “beard” that makes my testosterine (sp) level rise a bit. I also tend to not bathe as much during my mountain man phase and my wife doesn’t like that very much. Why can’t she understand my dilema?

    LOL! OMG too funny! Goin' for the authenticity of the mountain man eh Scotty2Hotty?

    * Starburst:
    I don’t like men with facial hair. It’s scratchy and just looks messy. If my bf had a hairy chest, I’d wax it all off…after turning him in to a man-o-lantern.

    Nice! You're cruel Starburst, but funny! ;)

    * MoOgooGuypAn:
    Don’t fret. At least you don’t have to manscape as much as the likes of Kimbo Slice or Teen Wolf.

    True dat MoOgs! I guess I'll just enjoy my otherwise hairless body (other than my face)!


  11. NeedaHobby:

    To add to what kako mochi wrote...yup, I hear ya, women with thin hair want thick hair and vice-versa. My husband is Okinawan...and hairy :) And, by the way, don't forget the Okinawan Shoyu Pork and Nantu ;)


  12. Coconut Willy:

    After High School I had the "peach fuzz" stache. Kept it until I went to Vegas when I was 20. I thought it would make me look older. I can laugh about it now. Didn't get busted in Vegas though. In fact, never even got carded. I think you just gotta act like you belong and don't win the big one if you not legal.


  13. tita leerz:

    i was watching WWE last week...and, after watching it for all my small kid life, and some adult, I JUST realized that them guys MUST gotta WAX! and not just at the bikini line...i'm staring at them (yes, i stare) and i'm like...it's gotta be brazilians!

    ...back on the topic---little girls don't like to kiss daddy when he just lets his 1/2 okinawan of a beard go! but to his credit, in his line of work, it keeps others at bay (he looks just plain old grumpy).


  14. J.P.K.:

    Ed, if you want to grow more facial hair you should be in colder environments. i was kind of like you where i didn't have any facial hair and wanted facial hair so bad, then i started working at jamba juice and was the primary guy putting orders away in the freezer (-10 F) and walk in fridge (30 F), then bam, facial hairs started sprouting. now, i have to shave every other day. it's cool, but it sucks because if you skip and get lazy, shaving hurts. i got an electric shaver (to trim down the hair) and traditional blade ... gotta use both if i don't shave every other day.


  15. World Wide Ed:

    * NeedaHobby:
    To add to what kako mochi wrote…yup, I hear ya, women with thin hair want thick hair and vice-versa.

    Thick hair? Why would anyone want thick hair NeedaHobby? *scratching head*

    * Coconut Willy:
    After High School I had the “peach fuzz” stache. Kept it until I went to Vegas when I was 20. I thought it would make me look older. I can laugh about it now. Didn’t get busted in Vegas though. In fact, never even got carded. I think you just gotta act like you belong and don’t win the big one if you not legal.

    Ho, imagine if you did win the big one yeah C Dubbs?

    * tita leerz:
    i was watching WWE last week…and, after watching it for all my small kid life, and some adult, I JUST realized that them guys MUST gotta WAX!

    Wait leers, were you watching World Wrestling Entertainment of World Wide Ed? ;)

    * J.P.K.:
    Ed, if you want to grow more facial hair you should be in colder environments.

    Hmm... interesting theory J.P.K.... No wonder my stubbles seem to grow faster when I travel to cold places!


  16. dsosa:

    Trust me, when you balding, thick hair is all good.